Self care for end-of-life doulas
An end-of-life doula’s goal is to provide compassionate deathcare—helping clients talk about death, plan for end-of-life care, make decisions about end-of-life wishes, and consider how they want to be remembered. This role comes with unique emotional, physical, and spiritual challenges that vary widely from client to client. As doulas, we meet regularly with clients, discussing sometimes intense or emotionally fraught topics. We form and maintain emotional and spiritual connections with clients, walking alongside them through the stages of dying and often sitting vigil with them as they pass. These connections can be rich, rewarding, and meaningful, but the context of these relationships is heavy. So it’s important to incorporate self-care, to be able to meet those challenges and maintain your own well-being.
Physical self-care
Working yourself into the ground is a surefire path to burnout and exhaustion. Regular breaks and rest, including sleep and time spent in recharging activities, is critical for physical (and emotional!) health.
Nourishing your body is foundational to self-care. Without healthy nutrition and hydration, it’s difficult to maintain the kind of energy needed for doula work, as well as other forms of self-care.
Some kind of physical movement: yoga, tai chi, workouts, walking, somatic exercises, cycling, swimming, or whatever type of intentional movement speaks to you. Intentional movement releases the emotions and tension stored in the body.
Emotional self-care
Many of us fell into the doula role because we are natural caregivers. And as such, it’s easy to give more than is emotionally healthy. That’s why establishing healthy boundaries is a foundational self-care skill, not just in our work lives, but in our personal lives, too. They say you can’t fill from an empty cup, and one of the fastest cup emptiers is letting others violate your boundaries and siphon off your emotional health. Another element of healthy boundaries is knowing when to delegate and when to say no - again, in both work and personal realms - and when to ask for help.
Find other doulas, hospice volunteers or nurses, or other deathworkers and see how you can support one another. Seek support from peers or mentors when you feel your emotional health slipping. Sometimes just talking about the difficult elements of this work with someone who understands is enough to bolster you emotionally.
Manage compassion fatigue and burnout. GoodTherapy’s article on compassion fatigue is a great primer for those in the helping professions. It’s important to be able to recognize the signs of compassion fatigue, as well as take steps to prevent and mitigate it. Many of the recommendations in the article mirror those listed here, but the one that has made the most difference to me is maintaining healthy friendships where I feel cared for and valued, not just for what I offer to the other person, but simply for being who I am.
Spiritual self-care
Whether it’s journaling, meditating, a mindfulness practice, or a silence practice, it’s important to engage in practices that provide solace and reflection. Mindfulness is one of the most effective ways to manage stress and anxiety. This is one of my favorite mindfulness meditations - a thirty-minute body scan meditation from Jon Kabat-Zinn. I return to this meditation when my stress levels get high, as it grounds me, really drops me into my body, and makes me slow down. Journaling is another great self-care tool, allowing for regular self-check-ins to assess your spiritual (and emotional) well-being.
However you connect to the divine, to a higher power, or to spirit, maintaining a regular spiritual practice and connecting with your own beliefs and values can help to recharge and refresh you, and give you something to lean on in difficult moments.
This is perhaps the most difficult essential self-care task to achieve. The balance between the emotional and spiritual responsibilities of deathwork, knowing when to dig deeper and when to let go, is a difficult line to walk. This skill improves with time and practice, and I recommend talking to a trusted friend or mentor when you feel out of balance.
Professional Growth
Yes, professional development and continued education are self-care tools! They allow us to stay confident in our knowledge and skills as doulas, and keep growing in our practice. By attending workshops, seminars, and further training programs, we stay updated on industry best practices, but we also give ourselves the opportunity to network and connect with other end-of-life doulas and deathworkers.
Personal Reflection
Recognize the positive impact a doula has on the world. The doula role is vital. It is ancient and sacred. Companioning death, like companioning birth, is a privilege and a calling. A doula’s care and companionship directly impact clients and families, bringing beauty and grace into the dying process. And that impact ripples out into the world. Celebrating the successes of your work - the good deaths, the emotional and spiritual breakthroughs, the deep and meaningful connections built with clients - is foundational to self-care. Acknowledging your role and its place in the world. Recognizing your growth and your achievements. Addressing challenging situations and handling them with grace and humility. All of these things are self-care.
As doulas, we work to encourage a holistic approach to dying. We also need a holistic approach to well-being. Prioritizing your own physical health, emotional safety, spiritual development, professional growth, and personal reflection round out the self-care toolbox. What self-care tools do you use in your doula practice?
Psst.. I have a post up on my other blog about practical self-care for folks with ADHD, if that’s you!
